Friday, 12 March 2010

Farewell Sweetheart

It's 10pm in London, returned from a marathon writing session. The whole day, the sense of something tangible, something missing followed me. Just wanted to be indoors. I ate little, what little I touched lacked taste. I prayed, found some peace in that. I wrote some more. Then, looked at missed blogs.

It's 10pm in London and dear Renee, a person of incredible warmth and goodness of the blog "Circling My Head" is.. not here. Her cancer, telling title is her blog's name, had deteriorated quickly. Her warmth and strength are needed elsewhere, she is dead.

Renee, today I wrote, after a long time of my brush with the dreaded tumour; the lease and breath of new life that came when they removed it. Today I found, you, missing. I know Renee was here for a short while. I can't tell you how much she means to me. I want to post her picture and I can't.

I don't always let people deeply into my heart; give - yes, receive? carefully. Except when I come across genuine and kind people, it is very easy to love them. I don't know the romance of that emotion, but with family and friends, it is there and means much. Renee was an instant, loving and sincere friend - certainly not something I expected when I started to write this blog. I did not expect her familiar love, her endearingly sweet emails, her glowing trust, encouragement, understanding of vulnerability and unexplained delight in knowing my real name. I did not expect a complex, amazing, ballsy, (sometimes potty-mouthed) funny and shatteringly good person. Renee did everything her own way and answered to nobody. She grew up Catholic, married her Muslim husband in their "unique" 1975 wedding and together they built an amazing bond and family. She suffered with cancer, sometimes in silence, sometimes with a primal cry for help and we came running, because that's what people who love her do.

I am crying Renee, but it is because I knew you, not because I lost you.

I am grateful to her darling daughter for sharing all the news with us at this sad time. My heart is with Angelique, her father and family. I am grateful for Renee's open heart, searing mind and soul. God I hope I see you in heaven, RK; you deserve peace after all this pain. You deserve every drop of goodness you brought to this world. I am not mythologising Renee, she chose goodness; the simple undiluted kind every day.

I love you.

Peace be with Renee,

Your friend,


Pamela Terry and Edward said...

She always left the sweetest comments on my blog. And I know she had such a difficult time. I pray she rests in peace.

Nora Johnson said...

Yes, dear Clarity, I read about Renee's sad passing on Draffin Bears's page earlier this week. Such awful news. She'll be sadly missed by many.

x LOLA:)

Anonymous said...

Dear Clarity, I have no words. My thoughts are with you and Renee's family!

Clarity said...

Pamela, thank you.
Nora, will check her page.
Thank you Carmie, her family most of all, x

Jeanne said...

Clarity, I am speechless. What beautiful writing in memory of someone who touched you so deeply. My thoughts go out to you all.

Purple Flowers said...

I am sorry for your loss. I have taken a blog break because I have just lost a dear friend to melanoma. I posted about her and uploaded her photo. I miss her, and I always will. You and I are both crying for our losses, yet glad for our friends that they are no longer suffering.
Peace to you, my friend.

vicki archer said...

Such a wonderful and heart felt tribute to Renee...she will be missed, xv.

Debra said...

Clarity~ I am so very sorry for your loss honey. You have given Renee a beautiful tribute here- the gift is in the dear friendship the two of you shared. I hope that your memories warm you.

Jennifer said...

Bless you! ((hugs))

La Petite Gallery said...

I read this eulogy and it brought tears to my eyes. My Daughter's
name is Renee, so I was very touched.
Thanks for the lovely comment. Come again


Heavenly Housewife said...

This is a lovely tribute to your friend. I am so sorry that she lost her battle with cancer. I hope she is in peace now that she is free from all her pain.
Wishing you peace too.
*kisses* HH

Jacqueline said...

My dear friend, Clarity,
I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost such a dear and loving friend. These are such hard and dark times when such a thing happens but I know that you will have many treasured memories that, eventually will be a great comfort to you in the coming months.
You must always remember that you were so very lucky that she came into your life and that your paths crossed.
I send my sympathy to her family and to you too, Clarity. I will be thinking of you at this sad time. XXXX

Wine and Words said...

Seems like all of blogdom is sad. I did not know her long, but she was dear and missed. This was a lovely tribute.

Barbara said...

A beautiful tribute, Clarity. I have been following Renee (and Angelique) on Circling My Head. I send my deepest condolances to all friends and family and know Renee is in a happier, pain free place. She will be sorely missed by all who knew and loved her.

VictoriaArt said...

Dearest friend!
There are no right words which could tell you how much I am saddend by the loss of you friend! A strong embrace would help much better and I wish I could be there for you and hold your hand for a while! It is always so hard to see wonderful people leave this world and under such sad circumstances. I am sad for her family too. To loose a wife and mother is very hard!
Thank you for your sweet message earlier today!


Phoenix said...

I couldn't find your email address, so I put this on here: first and foremost, my heart goes out to you and your loss. I too am careful with my heart in the receiving and sharing department (hence the lack of blog lately) but I am hugging you from thousands of miles away in sunny SoCal. I am so sorry for Renee's passing...I only found out about her through you and Marion. But I feel like I knew her because her heart and her spirit was so strong...and those kinds of things live on, in her name.

As for me...three winks, I think... but he released me from captivity after I paid his ransom demand in Girl Scout cookies and Cadbury Creme Eggs. (We don't get those year round in vending machines like you guys do in England!)

Hugs and love,

Clarity said...

Thank you all for your sweet words. I can only think of her family now. Love every kind word you all wrote.

Jacquie, you are right, I am grateful our paths crossed.

Anonymous said...

What a touching tribute. I am so sorry and will keep her and her family in my prayers.

Laurel said...

I get it now Darling - I had not read this. I know of this woman - but backwards. I read her daughters living post some weeks back / and wanted to know this woman and was so sad that I never got the chance. I found her through another blogger- she was clearly so loved.
I am so so grateful you are in my life and that you trust me as you trusted Renee.
We are all blessed by these relationships. So grateful tonight.
Love you Sweet girl
Even more today .

French Fancy said...

Oh Clarity, I did not know Renee but your lovely words tell me all there is to know about this wondrous person who is no longer with us.I know I would have loved her and I am sorry that her family are having to cope with such a loss.

You write so very well, my lovely friend


Couture Carrie said...

Lovely tribute, darling!

You will love Up!


Jeanne said...

Love you
Love all you share
Thanks for your visits and kind words
Love Jeanne

Beautiful and touching indeed♥

Jeanne said...

Clarity my friend who did that graphic Dani no longer has a blog up she is only on Facebook.

I will pass your message along
I love you

Blessings for Rennee♥

The Bumbles said...

Nicely put - and I'm sure you shared your kind words and feelings for her friendhip with her when she was living. It sounds like her family has the support of many great people - and know that you do too.

Notjustnat said...

Dear Clarity, it was sad to read about your friend. I'm so sorry for your lost. Thanks for visiting my blog via Dzintra (she is my dear friend in real life). I signed up to be your blog follower and would love to read more of what you write - Big hugs - Nat

NicNacManiac said...

Such a lovely tribute to a wonderful lady!! I will keep Renee's family as well as you my sweet in my prayers!
ps...Euchre is our game that we play monthly...all of the hockey wives (18 of us)we have also seen much happen to such a large group and it is the strength that we receive from girlfriends that helps us to carry on!!
Much love and big hugs xOxO Nerina

French Fancy said...

I've just been spending some time on Renee's blog and my keyboard is awash with tears. She wrote so very well and I really feel for the family and friends of this amazing woman. I also followed the link you put to her wedding day - what shrewd observations about her younger self.You and those that knew her must be feeling very sad.

We have just lost a family friend to cancer - an older lady - but one so full of life and vibrancy that it is hard to imagine she is no longer around.

These are sad times, my lovely friend.

Nora Johnson said...

Hi Clarity!

The link you asked for is "Little Bear Studio" @:

Hope this helps!


Deidra said...

I never met Renee, but you have written well of her. I feel the loss.

Clarity said...

Misty dawn arrives with your comments.
Thank you Phoenix, warm and kind.
Des, Bumbles and Carrie, good of you, thanks.

Laurel, Friend, Peace, Love, x.
Thank you Jean, I'm humbled again.
Nat, your sentiment and visit is appreciated.
Nerina, much thanks, x.
Dear FF, I felt for you today, Kathy too above (Purple Flowers). I am grateful for the good ones we find and love.

Deidra, thank you for that.

Dustjacket Attic said...

I'm so sad for the loss of this obviously amazing woman. This tribute to Renee is so very touching. It makes you think about life...and how short it is. My thoughts are with her family and to you and her other dear friends.
peace and love DJ

Annie said...

What a beautiful, poignant remembrance of the sweet Renee. Thank you so much for sharing.

Joyce said...

Clarity, your words brought tears to my eyes and heart. I didn't have the honor of knowing Renee, but have heard nothing but sweet loving words about this amazing woman on different blogs. I'm sadden for her family, friends and some selfish way myself because I wish I knew Renee, she truly sounded like an angel among us, now above us. Sending you hugs my friend. xo

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Clarity,

It was great to discover your blog and many thanks for visiting mine.
Your heartfelt tribute to Renee is
I was so hoping that the day would never come, because Renee was one of the kindest and sweetest Ladies I have known. She touched the lives of so many with her love.
I will miss her sweet comments that she left on my blog.
We can be glad that her pain is over and she is now at rest.


OceanDreams said...

My thoughst are with you! Renee will be missed, what a lovely tribute to her.

Queen Of The Armchair aka Dzintra Stitcheries said...

Dear Clarity...I am so sorry to read of the loss of your very dear Friend Renee. It is always such a shock when somebody passes...Wishing you strength at this time...Know that you will always carry Renee with you in your Heart...Many many Blessings to you dear Clarity...Thinking of you, Dzintra♥x

I Wonder Wye said...

I am sorry for this loss. I didn't have the opportunity to 'meet' your friend, but I read her blog and she sounded wonderful. The world will be a little colder for her leaving it....wonderful post.

Micki said...

I am so sorry that you lost your dear friend. I didn't know Renee, but what a lovely tribute to her.

Honor Woodard said...

Surely you carry some of her goodness with you and into the world. In honoring her, you keep her spirit with us. I hope the dizziness has passed, love.

Cheryl Lynn said...

This was an amazing shocker to me. The tears just started rolling down my face. I couldn't stop. I have met some wonderful people through the blog-o-sphere and I love you all. Renee will surely be missed, no doubt.

Thank you for your sweet comments. Your support is greatly appreciated.

Love you much, my dear.

Clarity said...

Thank you for all your words. I am touched to read what other people thought of her. Honor, Cheryl Lynn, love.

Dumbwit Tellher said...

Clarity your words of sorrow and appreciation were so tender and loving. I did not know Renee but my heart goes out to all who loved her and feel her great loss. We lost my mum in law 1 1/2 wks ago & my mother in Jan. both due to cancer. I feel as though life will never be the same. It is truly special when someone like your friend impact your life so much. You've honored her with this post so beautifully.
All my best to you in your sorrow. x deb

Lori ann said...

dear clarity,

i'm so sorry i'm so late, i don't know how i missed this.

renees passing has left a huge space in the blogworld, but at the same time a space filled with unimaginable love. she touched so many with her wit, wisdom but mostly her huge heart. i loved her and will be forever grateful for knowing her for the time i did.

do you know kj? she is putting together a book for renees family. please go to and contribute, that would really be lovely.

your mail came today.
much much love to you.
thank you,

indigotangerine said...

I never read her blog, but that makes the tragedy no less sad. How people can just disappear from our world is something I still haven't comes to term with. I hope she rest in peace and that her family has the strength to overcome this time.
ps. Thanks for the comment, you are too sweet, yes I do use natural light, from the skylight above, I honestly have no idea how to use anything BUT natural light, haha

kj said...

clarity, great that you will be contributing to renee's book of love. i copied this post for its inclusion.

we will soon have a "logo" for everyone's sidebar to spread the word and acknowledge who is contributing to the book.

it will take a while to put together, but i think it will help us all, and our senior angel's family.

nice to meet you, clarity. lori is very special to me, i love her!


Tessa said...

How profoundly and most beautifully written. Thank you so very much for putting into words what so many of us sometimes find difficult to express. Renee was - is - an extraordinary woman. I, too, will always be grateful to her friendship and love.

Anika said...

Oh my darling, I do not know of her but reading this made me incredibly sad.

Beautiful souls who are taken away too soon.....RIP.

Tish Jett said...

Dear, dear Clarity,

What beautiful prose to express your love and loss. Renee must have been an extraordinary woman in every way.

I do not know her, but read her blog today with her kind and lovely face.

Treasure your memories, true, deep, loving friendships are a blessing.

My deepest sympathy to you and her family.


Haute World said...

I unfortunately didn't know Renee but read about her passing on Draffin Bear's blog and my heart goes out to her friends and family. This was such a warm, heartfelt tribute and post. It was one that couldn't have been easy to write, but I'm sure she would have truly appreciated it coming from such a good friend like yourself.

drollgirl said...

i am so terribly sad to read this. i kept hoping she could beat it. i have been scared to get this news, and my heart goes out to her family.

Clarity said...

Dear Deb, I hope your heart heals in the coming months. Be strong.
Thanks Lori, L., xx
Thank you Anika and Indigo
Tessa, very kind, thank you.
Tish, I appreciate you reading her blog and thanks for the words.
HW, just wrote what I felt but was unsure about posting something so personal, thanks.
DG, me too, I think she felt that hope.

Mary said...

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. I did not know of her but anyone who's loss is noted by so many must have been a good person and wonderful friend. Blessings...Mary

Heavenly Housewife said...

Hello there daaaaahling, just stopping by to tell you to check out my new blog :) i'm super excited about it. Would love to know what you think. Also I'm doing a giveaway.
*kisses* HH

The Anthology said...

That is so heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you and all those who knew her.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. It is beautiful. I miss her terribly and it feels like years that I have seen her. I can't even bear the thought of a lifetime without her.
I hope you are well.

A Thousand Clapping Hands said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wine and Words said...

Clarity. I read the eulogy on Circling My Head and wept a new. She is so missed and it will be a slow process of mourning.

Thanks for coming around my place. It is the circle of life. We say farewell to some and hello to others. So hello Clarity. So nice to meet you!

- Annie

CarolineH said...

I love Renee, and always will. She was my sister of the heart. She'll always live inside of me. I was touched, and learned so much from her and I know I'll continue to learn from her even in her passing. Thank you for posting such a beautiful post about Sweet Renee. <3

Phoenix said...

Just checking in... I hope you are well, my dear...

Jen said...

Wow, how odd that I came to visit today. I was just thinking about blogging about Renee this morning. I've been trying to muster up a post since her passing, but my heart has been too broken to do so. I loved her!

Clarity said...

Mary, thank you for your sweet words, you are so right.
I am touched by everyone's comments, after some weeks I can now properly absorb them.
Angelique, thank you for that, your mother is missed.

Estelle said...

I don't know what to say to all of this. words don't seem to be enough. Although, everything that you wrote is somehow perfect. I lovely message to your friend.

Thank you for coming by it was really a pleasure to see you around again.